Archive for » January, 2010 «

21
Jan
2010

AskHappy: You ask. We do something akin to answering.

By Yama Rahyar

We’re excited to introduce a new End Happy feature: AskHappy, our Q&A with real questions from real readers. If you have a question for End Happy’s writers, it’s easy! Simply send an email. To us, if possible. Let’s kick things off with one of the more popular questions we’ve been getting.

Dear End Happy:

Would you rather be raped by a murderer or murdered by a rapist?

Thanks!
Kyle C.

Kyle:

First of all, something something NO JOKE.

Secondly, I’d rather be raped by a murderer than murdered by a rapist.

If I was in hospital being stitched up and overheard something like, “It’s strange, he usually kills the victims,” I think I might feel a small bit of relief.

If, however, in my death throes, I heard, “Hey, it’s that rapist who only rapes, he’s getting away,” I would feel like an asshole.

Thanks for your question!

Category: AskHappy  2 Comments
19
Jan
2010

A brief history of movie titles shoehorned into movie dialogue

By Yama Rahyar

Dr. Emmett Brown: We have to go back, Marty. BACK … TO THE FUTURE.

–Back to the Future

Henry Hill: You know, we always called each other GOODFELLAS. Like you said to somebody, “You’re gonna like this guy. He’s all right. He’s a GOODFELLA. He’s one of us.” You understand? We were GOODFELLAS.

–Goodfellas

Sidney Deane: Billy, listen to me. WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP.

–White Men Can’t Jump

Luke Skywalker: Look out, R2! There’s all kinds of STAR WARS going on out here.

–Star Wars

Scarlett O’Hara: Rhett, Rhett, Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?

Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, seeing as I’ll be GONE WITH THE WIND by that time, I don’t see how that concerns me any longer.

–Gone With the Wind

Johnny: Why don’t you drop that zero, and get with a guy who’s COOL AS ICE?

–Cool as Ice

Detective Nick Curran: Did you ever do drugs with Mr. Boz?

Catherine Tramell: Sure.

Detective Nick Curran: What kind of drugs?

Catherine Tramell: I could answer that question, but my BASIC INSTINCT is to expose my vagina right now.

Detective Nick Curran: That seems gratuitous, but okay.

–Basic Instinct

Nell: NELL! NELL! NELL! NELL! NELL! NELL!

–Nell

Category: Quotes Illustrated  One Comment
07
Jan
2010

It’s so cold at McD

By Simon Cabron

Yo, yo, yo, homies and homettes. Has ya herd about Mickey D’s 365black?

Like the unique African Baobab tree, which nourishes its community with its leaves and fruit, McDonald’s has branched out to the African-American community nourishing it with valuable programs and opportunities.

That’s right. Here at McDonald’s, we understand that you have to be black 365, 24/7. And we want to nourish you. That’s why, for a limited time, we’ve brought back the world-famous McRib sandwich. Also, we need labor to mop our floors, scrub our bathrooms, and spit in our cheeseburgers.

Once you feel adequately nourished, why not head over to Budweiser’s African American Bud. Check out 30 paintings of African kings and queens they’ve been collecting since the 1970s. You’re African-American, right? That must mean you’re interested in that kind of thing. I know I am.

(ED: While not an African-American, Mr. Cabron does exhibit a sincere love of paintings of kings and queens of all races, creeds, and islands).

Category: Quotes Illustrated  Leave a Comment