Jan Mantooth takes bite out of father’s campaign
“Only a shot of novacaine can save the Mantooth campaign at this point,” said an asshole.
www.donotvoteformydad.com

Rizzo pinched
Former Bell, CA city manager Robert Rizzo, who is currently facing multiple lawsuits and investigations after his nearly $800k per year salary became public knowledge, looks like this.

Basil Marceaux-Dot-Com running for Governor of Tennessee (again)

If you’re a Tennessean looking forward to gas for grass and bringing back phonics in schools: VOTE BASIL MARCEAUX www.basilmarceaux.com

He was funny as fuck, and smart as fuck. If you knew him, chances are you’d describe as the smartest, funniest motherfucker you knew. I lack the humor and eloquence to provide the remembrance he deserves. In its absence are these assorted anecdotes. He will be missed. Fuck.
*

Circa 2000, Jesse organizing an International Conference of Jesse Friedmans. His outreach to the Jesse Friedman community brought him into contact with, among others, the Jesse Friedman featured in Capturing the Friedmans, some time before that documentary’s release. The two had a brief acquaintanceship, although Jesse was always quick to qualify himself as not-the-guy-imprisoned-for-child-molestation.

Jesse commissioning me to write a letter of recommendation to his first college crush. Reviewing a draft of the letter, he removed the gratuitous Jew jokes and added a line about the girl’s then-boyfriend, Brad Moore, being “an anagram for DRAB ROMEO.”

Jesse writing a treatment of his memoirs, entitled “Stop Laughing, What Have You Ever Written? (Oh, Leaves of Grass? Carry On, Mr. Whitman),” and concocting a scheme to get it into the hands of Dave Eggers by attending an Eggers reading while wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Jesse himself wiping his ass with “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.” The scheme fell through, with Jesse subsequently threatening me with violence should I mention to anyone the existence of “Stop Laughing, What Have You Ever Written.”

Jesse announcing with great fanfare that he’d devised a “fool-proof” plan to turn the tables on Chris Hansen of “To Catch a Predator,” and his fool-proof plan consisting of telling Hansen that he knew it was a sting all along and just wanted an autograph.

The unresolved, intractable debate Jesse and I had about who he resembled more: Richard Alpert from “Lost,” or Charlie Day from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

Jesse’s idea of a Twitter joke: “Tupperware should make sheep costumes. Tupperware brand tupper wear.”

Jesse brutalizing me in Scrabble even when I cheated outrageously.

Michael Jackson- Thriller vinyl record (mint cond.)
This vintage record was passed down from generation to generation in my family. I now have to sell them off in order to pay for funeral expenses for my infant daughter. All records are original and in excellent condition. For any further questions feel free to email me at billstimenow@yahoo.com. Thank you for your time.

“Bidding has ended for this item” with zero bids? Have you no shame, Mrs. Whitman? It is because of your policies and procedures this man will not be able to pay for his infant daughter’s funeral. And we all know there’s nothing sadder than a child-size casket (unless it was made for a midget who lived a full life). This man instilled hopes that my family heirloom Thriller LP might be able to fetch me a pretty penny on eBay. Now all my dreams are fade away. Thanks so much, Mrs. Whitman. You are not, and never will be, my governor.

Not to mention, your proclivity towards violence concerns me:

Whitman camp defends shoving incident

Meg Whitman’s campaign is defending the California gubernatorial candidate following a New York Times report alleging the Republican was involved in a 2007 shoving altercation with an employee while then serving as CEO of the auction website eBay.

“Meg is a serious, results-focused boss. A verbal dispute in a high-pressure working environment isn’t out of the ordinary,” Whitman campaign spokeswoman Sarah Pompei said…

Shoving your staff might have worked at eBay, but it’s not going to solve California’s budget crisis. Also, Whitman Camp is the worst camp. Yes, even worse than Bicycle Safety Camp.

Cameroon are by far the nickname champions: the Indomitable Lions. Just in case someone else appropriates that symbolism-rich animal, there’s the trump-card of a modifier. Cameroon have the “infinity plus one!” of team nicknames.

Host nation South Africa are “The Boys.” In addition to home-court advantage, they should count their blessings that neighboring Namibia, “The Priests,” failed to qualify this year.

Some teams don’t actually have a nickname. Team USA are simply MNT, which stands for “Men’s National Team.” Not to be confused with MGMT, which stands for “Look at my man-ankles. Aren’t they pretty. I’m a man and I’m wearing pants that expose my ankles. A complete absence of taste in music is the least of my problems.”


Sometimes, fans dislike a team’s official nickname so much that they make their own. Switzerland were the Oath Comrades, but that’s kind of embarrassing, so fans call them Schweizer Nati.


A few other teams could use a grassroots re-naming campaign. Why are Japan the “Boys in Blue”? Mexico are “El Tri” (tricolor), but why would you reference the least interesting aspect of your flag and not the fucking insane eagle-murdering-snake part? Saudi Arabia failed to qualify in an upset this year, which gives them four years to replace “The Green” with any of the following available choices.



260 Billion Barrels

The Solid Gold, Gold-Plated Gold Tigers

The Opulent Mediocrity

USA BFF!

Milk-Fed Veal and a Private Harem Take Your Mind Off The Human Condition, For a While

“I’m not interested in anyone else’s opinion. I am in love with Phil and he’s in love with me.

“Soon I’ll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad.”

That anyone would be shocked or dismayed by this is just more proof that we’ve gone off the deep end of liberal, ultra-PC sensitivity. Grow up, people.  This is the way it was meant to be. Haven’t you heard the story of Adam and Eve? From what the door-to-door gentlemen have described to me, Adam fucked his own rib. Then begat children with that rib. Those half-rib, half-Adam children then begat children with each other. And the original rib. We’re all just ribs and Adam. And frisky grandmothers.

Yes, folks, End Happy has sold out. It’s an unfortunate consequence of capitalism. The good news is that we are carefully screening our sponsors for the highest of integrity and usefulness to our readers. What this means for us:

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more…

Starting January 1, 2011, prostate exams will be administered in Spanish.

A majority of Americans receive health insurance through their employers. If you eat an entire Tombstone pizza for breakfast, you can expect to feel like a disgusting fat slob with zero self-control for the remainder of the work day.

The legislation’s $938 billion cost is paid for by new taxes on wealthy Americans and on luxury goods such as lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper, but only when those good are purchased in combination, by college-educated adults who should know better.

Small business owners who run Internet startups are now required to move out of their parents’ house and get serious about life.

HMOs are barred from dropping patients if they get sick. A controversial loophole allows HMOs to continue rolling their eyes at patients who use the word “sick” in reference to a motorcycle or UFC knockout punch.

Your insurance policy will cover a range of preventive services, including vaccines, routine physicals, and therapy to get to the bottom of what’s preventing you from eating like a normal human being. An entire Tombstone pizza for breakfast. Jesus fucking Christ.

Federal authorities have charged a trendy Santa Monica sushi restaurant with serving whale meat — an investigation that was spurred by the team behind the Oscar-winning documentary, “The Cove.”

I am almost speechless. How barbaric. How morally, and digestively, repulsive.

Armed with a hidden camera, the two women captured the waitress serving them whale and horse meat and identifying them as such, a federal criminal complaint said.

Unbelievable. I mean, I cannot – hold up.

A receipt from the restaurant at the end of the meal identified their selection as “whale” and “horse” with the cost — $85 — written next to them.

Wait, wait just a second.

The sei is found throughout the world’s oceans.

Whalers began to hunt them after the population of blue and in whales declined due to overfishing.

Is it just me, or are we galloping over a crucial part of the story here? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. I mean, whales are highly intelligent mammals – oh, right.

Well, I guess it’s not like eating horse meat is illegal or anything.

The law puts horses (including ponies), donkeys and mules under the same pet classification as dogs and cats.

Okay.