Author Archive

Meg Whitman, this is all your fault

There is no reason stuff like this should happen.

Michael Jackson- Thriller vinyl record (mint cond.)
This vintage record was passed down from generation to generation in my family. I now have to sell them off in order to pay for funeral expenses for my infant daughter. All records are original and in excellent condition. For any further questions feel free to email me at billstimenow@yahoo.com. Thank you for your time.

“Bidding has ended for this item” with zero bids? Have you no shame, Mrs. Whitman? It is because of your policies and procedures this man will not be able to pay for his infant daughter’s funeral. And we all know there’s nothing sadder than a child-size casket (unless it was made for a midget who lived a full life). This man instilled hopes that my family heirloom Thriller LP might be able to fetch me a pretty penny on eBay. Now all my dreams are fade away. Thanks so much, Mrs. Whitman. You are not, and never will be, my governor.

Not to mention, your proclivity towards violence concerns me:

Whitman camp defends shoving incident

Meg Whitman’s campaign is defending the California gubernatorial candidate following a New York Times report alleging the Republican was involved in a 2007 shoving altercation with an employee while then serving as CEO of the auction website eBay.

“Meg is a serious, results-focused boss. A verbal dispute in a high-pressure working environment isn’t out of the ordinary,” Whitman campaign spokeswoman Sarah Pompei said…

Shoving your staff might have worked at eBay, but it’s not going to solve California’s budget crisis. Also, Whitman Camp is the worst camp. Yes, even worse than Bicycle Safety Camp.

To our friends in China…

Recent events involving Google and Chinese government censorship could have far-reaching implications. I’d like to share some of my thoughts on this sensitive subject with the people of the People’s Republic.

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All the Tasty Horses

Shocking news out of Los Angeles this month:

Federal authorities have charged a trendy Santa Monica sushi restaurant with serving whale meat — an investigation that was spurred by the team behind the Oscar-winning documentary, “The Cove.”

I am almost speechless. How barbaric. How morally, and digestively, repulsive.

Armed with a hidden camera, the two women captured the waitress serving them whale and horse meat and identifying them as such, a federal criminal complaint said.

Unbelievable. I mean, I cannot – hold up.

A receipt from the restaurant at the end of the meal identified their selection as “whale” and “horse” with the cost — $85 — written next to them.

Wait, wait just a second.

The sei is found throughout the world’s oceans.

Whalers began to hunt them after the population of blue and in whales declined due to overfishing.

Is it just me, or are we galloping over a crucial part of the story here? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. I mean, whales are highly intelligent mammals – oh, right.

Well, I guess it’s not like eating horse meat is illegal or anything.

The law puts horses (including ponies), donkeys and mules under the same pet classification as dogs and cats.

Okay.

Top cops at Fox News have zero tolerance for on-air curb jobs

According to a recently leaked memo, there will be no block parties for the employees of Fox News who continue to make on-air blunders:

The memo warns that those involved in future “mistake chains” will receive “warning letters to personnel files, suspensions, and other possible actions up to and including termination.”

I am deeply saddened by this turn of events. While there is no guarantee on-air mistakes will be limited, the thought of the following never happening again is disheartening:

Nokia … I am disappoint

nokia-disappointDell customer service, this is Pancheco speaking, how can I help you today?

Hola, Dell CU, how ya goin’ today? All right, I’ll cut the niceties short and just ask … where the fuck is my phone?

Okay, I’d be happy to help you with that. Actually, could you please elaborate for me?

Sure thing, carnal. I placed a pre-order for the Nokia N900 on November 5th and I was told on the 11th that they would be shipping, yet my status still says it hasn’t been shipped and I should expect it by 12/10.

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The golden age of mediocre superheroes is at hand

From the AP:

A man was ordering food when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye. When the victim tried to call police on his cell phone, the man punched him again, breaking his nose.

The man then ran out a back door.

Residents of Iowa City, fear not the zombies in your midst. Well, fear them after they recover from being punched. But while the punch is in mid-swing, and for maybe four seconds subsequently, fear them not, for your fair city’s very own mediocre superhero has arrived. Sleep ambivalently under the Zombie Puncher’s ineffectual care, Iowans!

zombiepuncher1

Rush Limbaugh thanks God for addiction, gay sex

From CNN:

“I actually thank God for my addiction,” he said. “I learned more about myself in rehab than I would have ever learned otherwise…”

“Including my love for gay sex,” the broadcaster continued under his breath. The quote was taken from an NBC interview in which he aggressively tongue-lashed the media for trying to break him.  The gay sex comment was not part of the official interview transcript, but several sources totally swore they heard it and will totally tell you so.

The rotund radio show host, author of several bestselling books, and former television talk show host waved his pudgy finger in the air as he proclaimed the media did not make him, while his jowls waved ferociously, like recently flicked Jell-O™. Delicious lime Jell-O™ snack, which kids sometimes choose to treat like a toy. Hey! That’s food, you fucking brat.

Limbaugh, more pudding than man, went on to claim that the election of Obama has heightened racial tensions and fueled the “race industry.” In a written statement, Bill Lester responded, “NASCAR’s popularity hasn’t really been affected either way since Obama’s been in office. I think the economic situation is our biggest worry. And as far as the other thing goes, I haven’t had any serious problems. Actually, I’ve been getting a lot more thumbs ups and high fives since Obama won.”

FritLandia: Wrath of the Cheeto King

Blackened Cheeto LumpHello, Frito Lay Quality Assurance, this is Matthias, how can I help you today?
 
Hey Frito Lay QA, how you guy’s goin’?
 
Um, I’m going pretty well, thanks. Is there something I can help you out with today, sir?

 
Great. Well, I was just wondering how it was doing up in the QA department lately.
 
Er, It’s doing pretty well. I appreciate your concern. Is there anything else I can help you with?
 
Well, yeah.
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