Author Archive

Remembering Jesse Friedman, 1981-2010

I “met” Jesse Friedman in 1997, on the prehistoric bulletin board alt.books.kurt-vonnegut, in the course of an argument about Nirvana and the Pixies. Some years later, we were simultaneously editors at our respective college papers, UC Irvine’s New University and UPenn’s Punch Bowl. And some time after that, we actually and serendipitously met in person at Harvard, where we were both students en route to becoming dropouts.

He was funny as fuck, and smart as fuck. If you knew him, chances are you’d describe as the smartest, funniest motherfucker you knew. I lack the humor and eloquence to provide the remembrance he deserves. In its absence are these assorted anecdotes. He will be missed. Fuck.
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Circa 2000, Jesse organizing an International Conference of Jesse Friedmans. His outreach to the Jesse Friedman community brought him into contact with, among others, the Jesse Friedman featured in Capturing the Friedmans, some time before that documentary’s release. The two had a brief acquaintanceship, although Jesse was always quick to qualify himself as not-the-guy-imprisoned-for-child-molestation.

Jesse commissioning me to write a letter of recommendation to his first college crush. Reviewing a draft of the letter, he removed the gratuitous Jew jokes and added a line about the girl’s then-boyfriend, Brad Moore, being “an anagram for DRAB ROMEO.”

Jesse writing a treatment of his memoirs, entitled “Stop Laughing, What Have You Ever Written? (Oh, Leaves of Grass? Carry On, Mr. Whitman),” and concocting a scheme to get it into the hands of Dave Eggers by attending an Eggers reading while wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Jesse himself wiping his ass with “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.” The scheme fell through, with Jesse subsequently threatening me with violence should I mention to anyone the existence of “Stop Laughing, What Have You Ever Written.”

Jesse announcing with great fanfare that he’d devised a “fool-proof” plan to turn the tables on Chris Hansen of “To Catch a Predator,” and his fool-proof plan consisting of telling Hansen that he knew it was a sting all along and just wanted an autograph.

The unresolved, intractable debate Jesse and I had about who he resembled more: Richard Alpert from “Lost,” or Charlie Day from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”


Jesse’s idea of a Twitter joke: “Tupperware should make sheep costumes. Tupperware brand tupper wear.”

Jesse brutalizing me in Scrabble even when I cheated outrageously.

Let’s go, Indomitable Lions, let’s go: Your guide to the best and bester World Cup team nicknames

Team nicknames are a big part of the World Cup’s fun and spectacle. Algeria are the Desert Foxes. Spain are the Red Fury. Germany are Die Mannschaft, which is German for “the team.” Australia are the Socceroos, which is Australian for “being assholes at the beach.” 


Cameroon are by far the nickname champions: the Indomitable Lions. Just in case someone else appropriates that symbolism-rich animal, there’s the trump-card of a modifier. Cameroon have the “infinity plus one!” of team nicknames.

Host nation South Africa are “The Boys.” In addition to home-court advantage, they should count their blessings that neighboring Namibia, “The Priests,” failed to qualify this year.

Some teams don’t actually have a nickname. Team USA are simply MNT, which stands for “Men’s National Team.” Not to be confused with MGMT, which stands for “Look at my man-ankles. Aren’t they pretty. I’m a man and I’m wearing pants that expose my ankles. A complete absence of taste in music is the least of my problems.”


Sometimes, fans dislike a team’s official nickname so much that they make their own. Switzerland were the Oath Comrades, but that’s kind of embarrassing, so fans call them Schweizer Nati.


A few other teams could use a grassroots re-naming campaign. Why are Japan the “Boys in Blue”? Mexico are “El Tri” (tricolor), but why would you reference the least interesting aspect of your flag and not the fucking insane eagle-murdering-snake part? Saudi Arabia failed to qualify in an upset this year, which gives them four years to replace “The Green” with any of the following available choices.



260 Billion Barrels

The Solid Gold, Gold-Plated Gold Tigers

The Opulent Mediocrity

USA BFF!

Milk-Fed Veal and a Private Harem Take Your Mind Off The Human Condition, For a While

Category: Wha Happen  2 Comments

The Health Care: What does it mean for your stupid, stupid family?

President Obama and the Democrats’ The Health Care thing is happening this week. Here is a look at what that thing is all about and when you can expect some differences.

Starting January 1, 2011, prostate exams will be administered in Spanish.

A majority of Americans receive health insurance through their employers. If you eat an entire Tombstone pizza for breakfast, you can expect to feel like a disgusting fat slob with zero self-control for the remainder of the work day.

The legislation’s $938 billion cost is paid for by new taxes on wealthy Americans and on luxury goods such as lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper, but only when those good are purchased in combination, by college-educated adults who should know better.

Small business owners who run Internet startups are now required to move out of their parents’ house and get serious about life.

HMOs are barred from dropping patients if they get sick. A controversial loophole allows HMOs to continue rolling their eyes at patients who use the word “sick” in reference to a motorcycle or UFC knockout punch.

Your insurance policy will cover a range of preventive services, including vaccines, routine physicals, and therapy to get to the bottom of what’s preventing you from eating like a normal human being. An entire Tombstone pizza for breakfast. Jesus fucking Christ.

Burying the lead

And Harvard University dropout Yama Rahyar discusses his new question, “Holy shit, children have careers?”

AskHappy: You ask. We do something akin to answering.

We’re excited to introduce a new End Happy feature: AskHappy, our Q&A with real questions from real readers. If you have a question for End Happy’s writers, it’s easy! Simply send an email. To us, if possible. Let’s kick things off with one of the more popular questions we’ve been getting.

Dear End Happy:

Would you rather be raped by a murderer or murdered by a rapist?

Thanks!
Kyle C.

Kyle:

First of all, something something NO JOKE.

Secondly, I’d rather be raped by a murderer than murdered by a rapist.

If I was in hospital being stitched up and overheard something like, “It’s strange, he usually kills the victims,” I think I might feel a small bit of relief.

If, however, in my death throes, I heard, “Hey, it’s that rapist who only rapes, he’s getting away,” I would feel like an asshole.

Thanks for your question!

Category: AskHappy  2 Comments

A brief history of movie titles shoehorned into movie dialogue

Dr. Emmett Brown: We have to go back, Marty. BACK … TO THE FUTURE.

Back to the Future

Henry Hill: You know, we always called each other GOODFELLAS. Like you said to somebody, “You’re gonna like this guy. He’s all right. He’s a GOODFELLA. He’s one of us.” You understand? We were GOODFELLAS.

Goodfellas

Sidney Deane: Billy, listen to me. WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP.

White Men Can’t Jump

Luke Skywalker: Look out, R2! There’s all kinds of STAR WARS going on out here.

Star Wars

Scarlett O’Hara: Rhett, Rhett, Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?

Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, seeing as I’ll be GONE WITH THE WIND by that time, I don’t see how that concerns me any longer.

Gone With the Wind

Johnny: Why don’t you drop that zero, and get with a guy who’s COOL AS ICE?

Cool as Ice

Detective Nick Curran: Did you ever do drugs with Mr. Boz?

Catherine Tramell: Sure.

Detective Nick Curran: What kind of drugs?

Catherine Tramell: I could answer that question, but my BASIC INSTINCT is to expose my vagina right now.

Detective Nick Curran: That seems gratuitous, but okay.

Basic Instinct

Nell: NELL! NELL! NELL! NELL! NELL! NELL!

Nell

Journal of Paranormal Phenomena, local edition

Date: Friday, December 4, 2009

Time: 9:00 AM approx.

Place: Orange Coast College Recycling Center, Costa Mesa, Calif.

Incident Report:

A white Dodge Ram pickup parks. A burly man steps out. He is Caucasian, in his late 30s, bearded, wearing a baseball cap, athletic team t-shirt, and shorts. He brings out two large Dell Computer boxes.

An attendant takes the boxes from the man, notices Styrofoam blocks inside, and takes the blocks out. He returns them to the man, saying, “We don’t recycle Styrofoam.”

Paranormal Incident #1: The burly man, in an agitated state, shouts, “HOW ABOUT I LEAVE MY PHONE NUMBER AND IF YOUR SUPERVISOR HAS A PROBLEM, HE CAN CALL ME.”

The attendant says something inaudible. It does not appear to sit well with the burly man, who kicks the boxes aside, throws the Styrofoam into the back of his pickup, and shouts again…

Paranormal Incident #2: “I SPEND THOUSANDS OF FUCKING DOLLARS HERE.”

Analysis:

Three key events stand out in the narrative:

1) A recycling center attendant refuses to accept pieces of Styrofoam.

2) The man who brought the cardboard boxes containing the Styrofoam offers the attendant his phone number.

3) Faced with the attendant’s continued refusal to take his Styrofoam, the man protests that he has spent “thousands of dollars” at the recycling center.

Event #1 is perhaps puzzling but can be explained within the bounds of known logic and science. Events #2 and #3 represent substantive departures from reality as we understand it.

Theories

a) The man, suffering from a recent head injury, has confused his surroundings, thinking he is still at the Dell Computer store and arguing over a matter of commerce with a sales associate.

b) The man and the attendant, representing foreign governments or domestic security services in a covert capacity, are engaged in an elaborate code language rendered indecipherable to passersby.

c) For a brief moment on the morning of Friday December 4, 2009, the Orange Coast College Recycling Center hosted a breach in the time-space continuum between the known world and an alternate universe, where offering a phone number results in someone accepting your trash, and it is possible to spend significant amounts of money at a place of waste disposal.

LinkedIn corrections

I regret any confusion that may have been caused by inaccuracies in my LinkedIn professional profile.

There a few particular misrepresentations I’d like to clear the air about.

  • The role of “Senior VP-Patriotism & Getting Things Done” does not exist at my current place of employment, nor was I promoted to it.
  • I was not responsible for an integrated tourism campaign for King of Prussia, Pennsylvania. To my knowledge, “King of Prussia: Where you’re the king of King of Prussia” is not the official motto of King of Prussia.
  • The late Charles Bronson of Death Wish movies was not a colleague of mine at any time, before or after his passing in 2003.
  • I did not deliver the keynote speech at this summer’s “Emergenting of The New Medias” conference. The conference itself, and the town of 2.0, Utah, in which it was purportedly held, are fictitious.
  • Although I was briefly employed in a sales capacity with Time Warner Cable, my efforts in that position did not result in a 20% decrease in meteors.

Thank you. I look forward to further discussing opportunities with your company.

Stabisode 1. Disrespectful times call for a respectful hero, with a knife.

It started with a whisper in the night. Well, not so much whisper as a double stabbing. And it was early morning, not nighttime.

But the time for concealment, cloaks, and half-measures is, apparently, over. Every day the voices of incivility and harassment grow louder. One man has decided to take a stand. On a table at a park.

Stay tuned.

Joe Lieberman’s MRI

What’s going on inside Joe Lieberman’s head? A recent brain scan, provided to End Happy by sources close to the senator from Lieberman, sheds some light.