There’s too much going on in the world of politics for us to not take uno momento and give you a rundown of some of the most pressing news.
Jan Mantooth takes bite out of father’s campaign
“Only a shot of novacaine can save the Mantooth campaign at this point,” said an asshole. www.donotvoteformydad.com
Rizzo pinched
Former Bell, CA city manager Robert Rizzo, who is currently facing multiple lawsuits and investigations after his nearly $800k per year salary became public knowledge, looks like this.
Basil Marceaux-Dot-Com running for Governor of Tennessee (again)
If you’re a Tennessean looking forward to gas for grass and bringing back phonics in schools: VOTE BASIL MARCEAUX www.basilmarceaux.com
I don’t know what all of the fuss is about. I think people are mostly misinterpreting Mel. He’s really not all that bad. In order to help clear the air, End Happy has released an illustrated version of his first phone call tirade.
¡Aye dios mio! I was watching mi compadre Rick (pronounced “Reeek”) Sanchez on his daytime CNN show, Rick’s List (“Reeek’s Leeest”). I always feel such pride for my people when I watch this program.
On this episode, Rick announced a debate between Representatives Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D. – Florida) and Ron Paul (R. – Texas) that was to take place after the commercialidades. I was excited, as I’ve been hearing a great deal about Mr. Paul’s revolution. Details of la revolución have so far eluded me, but it sounded like he was a man with real outsider ideas.
The show returned from commercials and this is what I saw:
Now I’m kind of confused about what “revolution” means, if anything. Maybe it just means something different to my middle-class white friends. Personally, I feel more comfortable enlisting for the RuPaul Revolution at this point. (Thanks, I’ll be here all semena!)
You can always tell a person is honest and sincere when their voice constantly goes in and out of high pitched-tones at belligerent speeds with a spattering of slurred speech. As for the substance of that fluctuating speech: Yes, the reason insurance is out of control is because of a “government mandated function”! Apparently the government mandates exorbitant executive profits, the arbitrary dropping and reducing of coverage, punitive rate increases on the people who can afford it the least, and the hiring of proctologists with larger than usual manos.
You know what? ¡Chinga tu Revolución, Señor Paul! (Pronounced Pow-uhl!) Y tu madre.
Yo, yo, yo, homies and homettes. Has ya herd about Mickey D’s 365black?
Like the unique African Baobab tree, which nourishes its community with its leaves and fruit, McDonald’s has branched out to the African-American community nourishing it with valuable programs and opportunities.
That’s right. Here at McDonald’s, we understand that you have to be black 365, 24/7. And we want to nourish you. That’s why, for a limited time, we’ve brought back the world-famous McRib sandwich. Also, we need labor to mop our floors, scrub our bathrooms, and spit in our cheeseburgers.
Once you feel adequately nourished, why not head over to Budweiser’s African American Bud. Check out 30 paintings of African kings and queens they’ve been collecting since the 1970s. You’re African-American, right? That must mean you’re interested in that kind of thing. I know I am.
(ED: While not an African-American, Mr. Cabron does exhibit a sincere love of paintings of kings and queens of all races, creeds, and islands).
I was on such a high after my band played our first big show the other night. Of course, someone had to come along and try to ruin everything.
Post-obliterating set, we left the stage and gave each other high fives before mixing it up with the crowd. Since I drank about a gallon of water and washed it down with a couple of beers while I was on stage, it wasn’t long before I had to visit the little boys’ room. As I made my way to the restroom I noticed this exceptionally beautiful girl following closely behind me. I figured she was making her way to the women’s room. No big deal. Just as I was pushing open the men’s room door, the girl grabbed my studded leather belt, looked straight into my eyes and asked, “you need a hand with that?”
