¿Viva La Ron Paul Revolución?

¡Aye dios mio! I was watching mi compadre Rick (pronounced “Reeek”) Sanchez on his daytime CNN show, Rick’s List (”Reeek’s Leeest”). I always feel such pride for my people when I watch this program.

On this episode, Rick announced a debate between Representatives Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D. - Florida) and Ron Paul (R. - Texas) that was to take place after the commercialidades. I was excited, as I’ve been hearing a great deal about Mr. Paul’s revolution. Details of la revolución have so far eluded me, but it sounded like he was a man with real outsider ideas.

The show returned from commercials and this is what I saw:

Now I’m kind of confused about what “revolution” means, if anything. Maybe it just means something different to my middle-class white friends. Personally, I feel more comfortable enlisting for the RuPaul Revolution at this point. (Thanks, I’ll be here all semena!)

You can always tell a person is honest and sincere when their voice constantly goes in and out of high pitched-tones at belligerent speeds with a spattering of slurred speech. As for the substance of that fluctuating speech: Yes, the reason insurance is out of control is because of a “government mandated function”! Apparently the government mandates exorbitant executive profits, the arbitrary dropping and reducing of coverage, punitive rate increases on the people who can afford it the least, and the hiring of proctologists with larger than usual manos.

You know what? ¡Chinga tu Revolución, Señor Paul! (Pronounced Pow-uhl!) Y tu madre.

Burying the lead

And Harvard University dropout Yama Rahyar discusses his new question, “Holy shit, children have careers?”

AskHappy: You ask. We do something akin to answering.

We’re excited to introduce a new End Happy feature: AskHappy, our Q&A with real questions from real readers. If you have a question for End Happy’s writers, it’s easy! Simply send an email. To us, if possible. Let’s kick things off with one of the more popular questions we’ve been getting.

Dear End Happy:

Would you rather be raped by a murderer or murdered by a rapist?

Thanks!
Kyle C.

Kyle:

First of all, something something NO JOKE.

Secondly, I’d rather be raped by a murderer than murdered by a rapist.

If I was in hospital being stitched up and overheard something like, “It’s strange, he usually kills the victims,” I think I might feel a small bit of relief.

If, however, in my death throes, I heard, “Hey, it’s that rapist who only rapes, he’s getting away,” I would feel like an asshole.

Thanks for your question!

Category: AskHappy  One Comment

A brief history of movie titles shoehorned into movie dialogue

Dr. Emmett Brown: We have to go back, Marty. BACK … TO THE FUTURE.

Back to the Future

Henry Hill: You know, we always called each other GOODFELLAS. Like you said to somebody, “You’re gonna like this guy. He’s all right. He’s a GOODFELLA. He’s one of us.” You understand? We were GOODFELLAS.

Goodfellas

Sidney Deane: Billy, listen to me. WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP.

White Men Can’t Jump

Luke Skywalker: Look out, R2! There’s all kinds of STAR WARS going on out here.

Star Wars

Scarlett O’Hara: Rhett, Rhett, Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?

Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, seeing as I’ll be GONE WITH THE WIND by that time, I don’t see how that concerns me any longer.

Gone With the Wind

Johnny: Why don’t you drop that zero, and get with a guy who’s COOL AS ICE?

Cool as Ice

Detective Nick Curran: Did you ever do drugs with Mr. Boz?

Catherine Tramell: Sure.

Detective Nick Curran: What kind of drugs?

Catherine Tramell: I could answer that question, but my BASIC INSTINCT is to expose my vagina right now.

Detective Nick Curran: That seems gratuitous, but okay.

Basic Instinct

Nell: NELL! NELL! NELL! NELL! NELL! NELL!

Nell

It’s so cold at McD

Yo, yo, yo, homies and homettes. Has ya herd about Mickey D’s 365black?

Like the unique African Baobab tree, which nourishes its community with its leaves and fruit, McDonald’s has branched out to the African-American community nourishing it with valuable programs and opportunities.

That’s right. Here at McDonald’s, we understand that you have to be black 365, 24/7. And we want to nourish you. That’s why, for a limited time, we’ve brought back the world-famous McRib sandwich. Also, we need labor to mop our floors, scrub our bathrooms, and spit in our cheeseburgers.

Once you feel adequately nourished, why not head over to Budweiser’s African American Bud. Check out 30 paintings of African kings and queens they’ve been collecting since the 1970s. You’re African-American, right? That must mean you’re interested in that kind of thing. I know I am.

(ED: While not an African-American, Mr. Cabron does exhibit a sincere love of paintings of kings and queens of all races, creeds, and islands).

Rush Limbaugh, dead at 58

Hey Rush, we hardly knew ya!

UPDATE: FUCK! NEVERMIND :(

Journal of Paranormal Phenomena, local edition

Date: Friday, December 4, 2009

Time: 9:00 AM approx.

Place: Orange Coast College Recycling Center, Costa Mesa, Calif.

Incident Report:

A white Dodge Ram pickup parks. A burly man steps out. He is Caucasian, in his late 30s, bearded, wearing a baseball cap, athletic team t-shirt, and shorts. He brings out two large Dell Computer boxes.

An attendant takes the boxes from the man, notices Styrofoam blocks inside, and takes the blocks out. He returns them to the man, saying, “We don’t recycle Styrofoam.”

Paranormal Incident #1: The burly man, in an agitated state, shouts, “HOW ABOUT I LEAVE MY PHONE NUMBER AND IF YOUR SUPERVISOR HAS A PROBLEM, HE CAN CALL ME.”

The attendant says something inaudible. It does not appear to sit well with the burly man, who kicks the boxes aside, throws the Styrofoam into the back of his pickup, and shouts again…

Paranormal Incident #2: “I SPEND THOUSANDS OF FUCKING DOLLARS HERE.”

Analysis:

Three key events stand out in the narrative:

1) A recycling center attendant refuses to accept pieces of Styrofoam.

2) The man who brought the cardboard boxes containing the Styrofoam offers the attendant his phone number.

3) Faced with the attendant’s continued refusal to take his Styrofoam, the man protests that he has spent “thousands of dollars” at the recycling center.

Event #1 is perhaps puzzling but can be explained within the bounds of known logic and science. Events #2 and #3 represent substantive departures from reality as we understand it.

Theories

a) The man, suffering from a recent head injury, has confused his surroundings, thinking he is still at the Dell Computer store and arguing over a matter of commerce with a sales associate.

b) The man and the attendant, representing foreign governments or domestic security services in a covert capacity, are engaged in an elaborate code language rendered indecipherable to passersby.

c) For a brief moment on the morning of Friday December 4, 2009, the Orange Coast College Recycling Center hosted a breach in the time-space continuum between the known world and an alternate universe, where offering a phone number results in someone accepting your trash, and it is possible to spend significant amounts of money at a place of waste disposal.

Top cops at Fox News have zero tolerance for on-air curb jobs

According to a recently leaked memo, there will be no block parties for the employees of Fox News who continue to make on-air blunders:

The memo warns that those involved in future “mistake chains” will receive “warning letters to personnel files, suspensions, and other possible actions up to and including termination.”

I am deeply saddened by this turn of events. While there is no guarantee on-air mistakes will be limited, the thought of the following never happening again is disheartening:

Nokia … I am disappoint

nokia-disappointDell customer service, this is Pancheco speaking, how can I help you today?

Hola, Dell CU, how ya goin’ today? All right, I’ll cut the niceties short and just ask … where the fuck is my phone?

Okay, I’d be happy to help you with that. Actually, could you please elaborate for me?

Sure thing, carnal. I placed a pre-order for the Nokia N900 on November 5th and I was told on the 11th that they would be shipping, yet my status still says it hasn’t been shipped and I should expect it by 12/10.

more…

LinkedIn corrections

I regret any confusion that may have been caused by inaccuracies in my LinkedIn professional profile.

There a few particular misrepresentations I’d like to clear the air about.

  • The role of “Senior VP-Patriotism & Getting Things Done” does not exist at my current place of employment, nor was I promoted to it.
  • I was not responsible for an integrated tourism campaign for King of Prussia, Pennsylvania. To my knowledge, “King of Prussia: Where you’re the king of King of Prussia” is not the official motto of King of Prussia.
  • The late Charles Bronson of Death Wish movies was not a colleague of mine at any time, before or after his passing in 2003.
  • I did not deliver the keynote speech at this summer’s “Emergenting of The New Medias” conference. The conference itself, and the town of 2.0, Utah, in which it was purportedly held, are fictitious.
  • Although I was briefly employed in a sales capacity with Time Warner Cable, my efforts in that position did not result in a 20% decrease in meteors.

Thank you. I look forward to further discussing opportunities with your company.